In every relationship, moments of conflict arise. How we handle them often determines the strength and longevity of our bond. Have you ever wondered what negative communication patterns could harm your relationships? John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship researcher, identified the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – four negative behaviours that are the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. These are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In today’s post, we will look at these four “horsemen,” understand their effects on our relationships, and learn how to combat them to build stronger, healthier bonds.
Criticism:
According to Gottman’s therapy model, criticism is one of the negative behaviours that can harm a relationship. Criticism, in the context of the Four Horsemen, goes beyond expressing dissatisfaction with a specific behaviour of your partner. It becomes an attack on their character or personality, often using words like “always” or “never,” suggesting that the problem is a constant trait of your partner rather than a one-time mistake. For example, “You didn’t take out the trash again” is a complaint about a specific behaviour. However, when it turns into criticism, it becomes “You never take out the trash. You are lazy and irresponsible.” Here, the partner is not just addressing a particular behaviour but attacking the other person’s entire character, labelling them lazy and irresponsible. Criticism can harm a relationship by leading to increased negative emotions, creating an atmosphere of judgment and hostility, and triggering defensiveness in the criticised partner. Frequent criticism can lead to feelings of rejection and lack of respect. Therefore, Gottman recommends replacing criticism with constructive complaints focusing on specific behaviours rather than character traits.
Contempt:
According to John Gottman, contempt is considered one of the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. Contempt involves believing that we are better than our partner, and they are somehow inferior or unworthy of respect. Contempt can take various forms, including sarcasm, cynicism, ridicule, body language (such as rolling eyes), and tone of voice. For example, “Do you really think this is difficult?” can be expressed with contempt if accompanied by a mocking tone or eye-rolling. Contempt harms relationships because it shows a lack of respect for the partner. It can lead to feelings of rejection and hurt.
Moreover, contempt can block constructive communication and problem-solving, as the partner treated with contempt may feel intimidated, humiliated, or rejected. Gottman recommends fostering a culture of respect and appreciation in the relationship to combat contempt. Instead of expressing contempt; he encourages showing respect and appreciating the partner’s positive qualities. This can help create a positive backdrop for the relationship, mitigating the impact of negative interactions.
Defensiveness:
Defensiveness is the third of the Four Horsemen, according to John Gottman. It is a response we give when we feel attacked and try to shift the blame onto someone else instead of taking responsibility for our actions. It is often a reaction to criticism or contempt and thus becomes part of the cycle of negative interactions. For example, if one person says, “You’re late for dinner,” a defensive response might be, “It’s not my fault I’m late. If you had told me earlier when dinner was, I wouldn’t be late.” In this case, the person tries to shift the blame onto the partner instead of taking responsibility for their lateness. Another example of defensiveness is counter-complaining. For instance, if a partner says, “I feel you don’t help me enough at home,” a defensive response might be, “Well, you never appreciate what I do for you!” Defensiveness is harmful to the relationship as it blocks constructive communication and problem-solving. Instead of listening and understanding the partner’s perspective, defensive person focuses on defending themselves, often leading to an escalation of the conflict. Gottman recommends replacing defensiveness with taking responsibility for one’s actions and feelings.
Stonewalling:
According to John Gottman, stonewalling, or emotional withdrawal, is the fourth of the Four Horsemen. It occurs when one person starts ignoring or avoiding interactions with the other, especially during conflicts. The person emotionally shuts down, stops responding to their partner’s attempts to communicate, and may even leave the room or start engaging in other activities. For example, if one partner says, “We need to talk about our bills,” the stonewalling response might be not to respond, change the topic, or look at the phone instead of engaging in conversation. Stonewalling harms the relationship, hindering constructive problem-solving and closing the door to effective communication. It can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, and rejection in the partner who is trying to communicate. Gottman suggests that instead of withdrawing emotionally, a person should engage in the conversation and actively listen to what the other person.